I believe in boundaries.
Boundaries that are not set in stone but encrypted into values. Values you mould yourself around. Values you attach yourself to.
Sometimes I get so disappointed at the impressions people set out for me. I know, that there are things beyond your control and how you should never let all that negativity drag you down. But there are times when you reflect upon them, you wonder if what they're saying is actually true. Maybe you've been perceiving yourself the wrong way round.
I believe I'm looking at myself right. I know what I want and I know what sights I have my eyes set upon. Its just the awkwardness you feel in your belly when you see them, you remember every single word they say. You push your smiles forward and be you wondering if they'll ever realise that what they know about you is completely wrong. Then again, there are times I choose to not care, which works well but the cycle of ups and downs goes on especially if that person always regulates around your circle of friends. Then there's history. No matter how far in time stretches, moving in to a new era, centuries, history will never be erased.
I never find the need to judge someone. I personally dont believe in labelling people. I wish people in this world would learn to just do the same. To not assume, get all fictitious and most certainly, I don't appreciate historical factor blindfolding my line of sight.
When will people learn to be just themselves.
Maybe i've been living in a bubble only meant for the different.
And i'm not different.
Don't talk about giving chances.
Everyday's a chance to mend the wrong to right.
I awake with yesterday troubles interlocked in my mind, no doubt about that. But I believe in starting on a new slate everyday. That yesterday troubles remain where they are. Sure the past can affect today, even tomorrow. But keep the good memories close, the bad closer. Learn to look at the bad in a positive light, not to hold grudges. Live today, grow tomorrow, outgrow yesterday's unwindings.
I haven't had much of an update so under the cut are a couple of food pictures, none including yours truly. However, some including Sean. Alright, this week's going to be a busy week for me. Can't wait to pull through to Friday!
So I'm home for about an hour to wash up and get a breather before everyone heads off for a one and a half hour mass then to the cemetry to bid our final farewell to my grandfather. I have a feeling my knees are going to tremble, hard. The priest who did his confirmation will touch down this morning from France to do his last service.
I want to thank everyone for their condolences and concern.
My family is taking the loss rather well. Though tears are spawn but we know that grand daddy is at a better place where his pain and troubles have faded away. My grand mother has been the strongest among all and her love for my grand dad is eternal.
Love is great. Personally I'm a hypocrite and I know it. I don't believe in eternal love much like what my grand parents and parents have. Maybe i'm in need of a redeemer who might just change my mind. There are so many worries awaiting, from school to work and life. I know what infactuation feels like. When I was a lot younger, someone once told me, "Infactuation is just the beginning of it all. Love doesn't come easy." It doesn't. I admire the courage couples have to withstand every obstacle that comes their way. Sure love in general exists, but I think different variations aren't for everyone.
The amazing part about all of it is, everyone loves someone one way or another and there are so many ways to decipher it. Parental, relationship kind of love. The latter might some me find day, but for now, I'm content. Infactuation doesn't weigh as heavy as stress.
Tinchy Stryder and Taio Cruz are keeping me company.
I pray to be strong.
I need to be.
I love my wallpaper, "The past was once the future."
D
"Nic, we've always done everything together, why not this?"
My grand dad bought them both ice cream, sat down before he held her hand, minutes after he collapsed. He just wanted to hold her hand, she didn't know why but he knew.
"Gong gong looks so good." "I know, he's so handsome. Even better than the first time I saw him."
"Nic, your friends are here to see you. Come on, get up."
My grand ma has been incredible the past few days.
I admire her strength and courage.
She loves you more than anything else in the world. This year would've been their 60th wedding anniversary.
I think I'm gonna cry.
Take care of mama.
Thank you grandpa.
We all miss you.
Seasons change,
flowers wither.
From black to grey,
dawn to dusk,
eyes open,
winds change.
Like the sands of time, you return to the where you came from.
Saying your were wonderful would be a lie. You were amazing. From little, you watched us grow as we did the same. I'll never forget when you used to come over and huddle up with my brother and I. How you'd take us to MacDonalds and get Dom just the buns of the burger cause he was such a picky eater. You'd take me for walks, whisper how great of a grand daughter I was and you always had the best things to say. Time passed by and we shared unforgettable moments together. Your favourite song till today is quando quando and you'd serenade to mama Rose, "Paper Roses" and "she wears my ring" cause those are her favourite songs. You'd play the harmoncia to any tune I wanted to hear, you were a walking tablet of love pick up lines. One which I told you that you could compile a series of. I know you love cheeseburgers and authentic peranakan food. You'd smile everytime we went by and as I got older, I realised how much you slowed down. When I couldn't even stand on my two feet, you were carrying me around planting kisses all over my face. I did the same when I saw you. You talked about the importance of god but loved to gamble. You'd pick the best fruits and I mean the best. You knew I loved mangoes so you'd always get them for me even when I wasn't around. Rambutans, oh GOD durians, you always got the sweetest ones and everytime you did, you'd say "De-nise! Gong Gong got you the best durians. YOU MUST TRY THIS ONE" and it never failed to bring a smile to my face. You'd watch me eat with pride in your eyes. You knew my childhood favourites. We'd sit in the balcony and I'd watch you rip durian after durian apart with your strong hands. I remember you always gave me top priority to pick the best. Especially when no one was watching. You were such a great man. But god believes in balance, he put you here and now that he's put your head to rest, I hope you find the path that leads to the right way. I love you gong gong Nic. I couldn't help but burst into tears when I got the phone call. I remembered how we were reminiscing all the good times just the other day. Your smile came to mind and it broke my heart. I couldn't breathe.
I miss you already. Everyone is sobbing terribly cause we didn't just lose someone. We lost you. There's no one in the world that would shift the way we all feel about you. You're all the wonderful things, like a beautiful explosion of colour.
You were always full of colour in that tailored shift and trousers of yours. I liked that. You'll always be my grandfather Nicholas Francis Lee.
If I had it my way, I'd keep you in arms forever. But now that its your time to go, have a safe journey.
I'll meet you there soon.
I'll be waiting for you to call.
I love you.
"Every moment's a day, everyday seems a lifetime. Let me show you the way, to a joy beyond compare. I can't wait a moment more, tell me quando quando quando. Say its me you adore. And then darling tell me when."
You sing it better than Engelbert humperdinck.
Sleep tight grand daddy.
D.
